Wednesday, October 28, 2009

What the fuck and CLUE.

I went to the symphony today for an early morning pre-show rehearsal. It was quite symphonic and though I fell asleep for a brief bit of each and every song, they were some of the most tuneful naps I've ever taken.

Then I walked outside and my bike, the appropriately named Mrs. and Ms. Cheesepiener was gone.

I'm sitting here in sort of baffled bit of confounded anger and I thought I'd share some of my thoughts:

1. This makes me the most angry not because of the actual bike being gone (though that makes me angry as well) but more so because of the huge inconvenience of it all. Not only do I now have to go through the pains of purchasing a new bike (without the convenience of bike transportation) but for the next indefinite period of time I have to get around with out my semi-beloved bike. This means a step sideways in to the wide world of public transportation. A wide world I was happily no longer a part of.

2. I'm also sad. It's like losing a pet or a friend - I didn't get to say goodbye or get a last ride. Some jerk just thought to himself, "I like that poorly locked bike, I'll take it." And that's it. Mr. and Mrs. Cheese Peiner, I hope whomever has you is taking care of you. Sadly you're probably just getting stripped in an Oakland chop-shop.

3. The hilarious part of this story is that JM, my roommate and symphony impetus, had his bike literally locked to mine. They cut this lock and then took my bike, leaving his behind. I mean, my bike was a shiny goldenrod and had stupid TREK emblazoned across it, but there has to be humor in the fact that one bike was just left. C'mon thief, it's a recession, you've got to get every last pennies worth.

4. Part of me wants to skulk about the city, looking for Mr. and Mrs. Cheese Peiner and the culprit who swiped him/her and then jump out from behind a wall and spear-tackle the shit out of them. The other, more dominant side, just wants to sit on my bed and stew, as I've been doing for the last hour. I'm better at stewing than spear-tackling. No joke.

5. Keep Mr. and Mrs. Cheese Peiner in your thoughts. Sure, he/she had a shoddy chain, no derailer tag, and a tendency to not work at the most inopportune moments, but sweet Jesus he/she was my first and I'll always look back fondly on him/her.

The Movie: Clue (1985)
The Director: Jonathan Lynn (My Cousin Vinny, The Whole Nine Yards, etc.)

Something Interesting: This film was written by John Landis, one-time hero of comedy. He fell out of favor years later, and perhaps this aborted fetus was a tingling premonition of that.

Something Else Interesting: The three-ending gimmick I bitch about later in this column was actually only included on the video version. Every theatre got one distinct ending. I don't know how this makes me feel. Probably angry, but I blame my loss for that.

My Thoughts:

I'm glad I'm writing about Clue today, as I thought it was a steaming pile, and I'm in just the mood to write absolutely nothing nice.

Alex and I threw on Clue two weeks ago to get a few ideas for what ended up being pretty stunning Clue-oriented Halloween costumes. No ideas were gleaned, but a lot of vitriol was spilled on this messy 80s remake of a, sigh, board game.

1. A lesson never learned.

There's a lot of talk about upcoming board game adaptations in Hollywood right now, and please, Mr. Hollywood and all your big-suited lawyer friends, take a look at Clue and see where you're headed. This is a shoddily thrown together murder mystery that tosses in a few lead pipes a noose and a character named "Mr. Body" and calls it an adaptation. Board games are meant to be played, not to be seen on screen, and this is why. You're just pulling together loose threads hoping that a film comes out. How come you can't just make a murder mystery set in a mansion instead of Clue: The Movie? Instead of the upcoming Battleship: The Movie, why doesn't Peter Berg just make a new naval action movie? 'Cause Hollywood is full of lazy people who love money and that sort of thing is just run-of-the-mill these days.

2. Is this a cult film?

People love this movie. Seriously, love it. Which makes me think that the definition of "cult film" has to have the phrases "seriously unlovable film" and "doddering morons" included within. As this is a terrible movie and the idea of seeing it over and over again honestly makes my skin crawl a bit. I might actually stray away from "cult films" from now on, just in fear that I'll stumble across a film like this again.

3. Why is it so bad?

When the best parts of your film are Tim Curry stepping in dog-poo and Christopher Lloyd - something is very, very wrong. Nearly everything about this film falls short of watchable, let alone good. The costume designs are dated to the point you think you're watching bad, gay, opera. The acting is arch in the gag-reflexing way, not the fun campy way. And the plot, a mish-mash of every stupid murder mystery ever to grace the screen does nothing, even failing to have a proper ending, instead relying on the three-ending trick.

I'm sorry I watched this film. At least my costume is good.

Mr. and Mrs. Cheese Peiner, 2009-2009.

Thursday: Vengeance.

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