Wednesday, October 22, 2008


There's rumor on the street of a second Criterion Quest style blog! I'm too busy/lazy to search out this second, inferior blog, but word on the street is this secondary chump has been talking, you might say, shit. It's cool though, I'm above character attacks, above the weak-willed needlings of some second-rate Sanders. I'll just continue to pump out a slew of thirty page, sometimes boring, posts about movies that my readers barely care about. I'll do this, and you'll like it Criterion Quest Jr., and if I'm inspired (read: drunk) enough one of this days to search your "bitch" ass out, then there's going to be trouble. 'Cause I'm going to find you and I'm going to comment the hell out of one of your posts. I'm going to write things like, "Your blog is not as good as my blog" and "Oh shit, this blog is about the same subject as my blog, but I bet your readers are more bored than my readers ... and that's saying a lot." Yeah, so you better watch out Mr. Shit-talking Criterion Guy. I know you're out there, and I'm on the verge of thinking about deciding to take interest in doing the first steps of, well, something. Booyah!

I finished Fishing With John (42) today! Again, this is like a bizarro fishing documentary that finds John Lurie, an actor/lounge singer taking his friends around the world on fishing adventures. It was good, bizarre, funny, voiced-over by this sort of omnipresent, little-sense making narration man. I just want to say a few things about each guest Lurie has and the impression they left me with, before I move forward:

1. Jim Jarmusch - this guy has to be the original hipster. He seems the most confused about "fishing" but his episode features my favorite line: "The fishermen awoke full of sores and boners". He looks like a white-haired Dr. Jekyll or something.

2. Tom Waits - everything you've ever convinced yourself about Tom Waits is probably true. Take that as you will.

3. Matt Dillon - his teeth are far smaller than I thought they would be. I'm blanking on him. I think he was douchey enough that he made it in to my "I don't remember him" file.

4. Willem Dafoe - My favorite of the group. He's small, and wirey and says things like, "I get a little sweet at bedtime". John and him supposedly die in their episode together. Ice fishing in Maine is the number four killer of famous Hollywood types. No seriously, I read it in a book.

5. Dennis Hopper - I imagine Dennis Hopper is a very, very bad person. He talks a lot about ex-wives who hate him, and generally seems to annoy everyone around him. He also talks about a sequel to Easy Rider, and though it's played like a joke ... you can see the glint of dollah-dollah beeels in his eyes. I do not want to hang out with Dennis Hopper.

6. John Lurie - He looks like a basketball player. He's hilarious, kind of wussy, and probably a real lady killer, if you know what I mean? I would most certainly let John Lurie take me fishing in a remote locale, even with the fairly sure chance that I would be paralyzed for life/die.

Lurie and Jarmusch and Waits will all pop up in a variety of movies throughout the collection and I cannot wait to see them.

Beauty and The Beast (6) has a hilarious description by Criterion about it's amazing surreal effects. This is a perfect case of a 1930s film being over described by the film geeky dorks at Criterion. Yes, this is a Jean Cocteau film, and yes maybe for its time it had some cool special effects, but let me break it down for you: the special effects mainly revolve around these weird hands that stick out of the walls to grab things ... like candelabras and children (kidding!). Also at the end of the movie, Beauty, and The Beast realize they're in love and gain some sort of rocket-jet pack power and literally shoot off in to space, entwined in each other's arms. I'm not kidding, that's pretty much the extent. The rest of the movie just sort of focuses on this hairy guy trying to get his groove on with this sweet lady ... all the while trying not to eat her face.

I liked this movie though, it's sweet, and totally a product of its time. If you want to see the roots of French cinema I recommend this, but it might put the less filmically inclined in to snooze land.

Tomorrow: A Night To Remember

1 comment:

wescoat said...

What's a candelabra?